Bosom Buddie Nipple Nectar

"I don't care what the say anymore this is my life,
Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone."
-Billy Joel

That's what Flava used to think of when he heard the term Bosom Buddie. Buffy, Hildegard, Tom Hanks cross-dressing: simple, wholesome thoughts. But that has all change after testing another fine Doc Johnson product- Bosom Buddie Cherry Vanilla Nipple Nectar scented massage oil. Quite a mouthful, both figuratively and literally.

So what makes Cherry Vanilla Nipple Nectar so special? Could it be the fruity bouquet from the fresh cherry juice? Or possibly the subtle, yet seductive flavor of vanilla extract? Actually that would be impossible as there is no cherry juice or vanilla extract in this nipple nectar. However there is a wide array of popular deep fryer oils that will arouse you and your spouse the same way a piping hot order of McDonald's fries does to a man with a cholesterol count in the high 200's.

Now Flava is a man who is pro oil. Whether it baby or sweet crude, Flava has found a bedroom appplication for oils far and wide. But never has the test lab seen such a amalgamation of oils far and wide specifically designed to make a mans face slide between a woman's breasts smoother than a hot knife through butter.

A secret recipe of Canola Oil, Safflower Oil, Sesame Oil, Sweet Almond Oil, Avocado Oil, & Grape Seed Oil, a touch of fragrance, and a little coloring result's in a Martha Stewart approved recipe for holiday nipple nectar.

This is the oil of choice on nights when something needs to be rubbed out.

Flavometer Scorecard:
Originality: 23
Practicality: 23
Seductivity: 20
Digestivity: 18

Overall Score: 84

Tingle Gele'

"Propel your pleasure to new plateaus!"

Do you enjoy having your sensitive areas tingly and numb? If so, Tingle Gele' from Flava's good friends at Doc Johnson is just the product for you. Packaged in an oversized Skoal tin, Tinger Gele' comes in a variety of fantastic fruit flavors including strawberry, cherry, & the ubiquitous passion fruit.

As any regular reader of this blog knows, Flava Knave put the F in Freaky, so it should come as no surprise that the opportunity to numb any or all sensitive areas on his body was seen as a slice of heaven on Earth. What good is having sensitive areas unless you have the freedom to spread a gelatanous pink goo on them?

So armed with only a tin of Tingle Gele' and a smile, Flava Knave descended upon the Flava Test Lab and begin Tingle Gelling his entire body from head to toe. Here are some of the sensitive area reviews:

Tongue: Well let's start with the taste. The best way to describe it would be to get a small container of Vicks Vapor Rub and a pint of strawberries. Next, throw both the Vicks and the strawberries into your favorite blender and pulse until you reach a fine puree. Dab a bit on your tongue and chase with your favorite champagne. The bubbly numb feeling on your tongue will be about 1/10 as bad as licking a glob of the real Tingle Gele'.

Eyes: Grab a firepoker, heat to 1000 degrees Fahrenheit, and gently poke into your own eye. Tingle Gele' feels much the same way minus the permanent blindness and smell of charred skin.

Nose: Flava had a bit of a stuffed nose prior to Tingling but now has completely cleared and fruity smelling nasal passages.

Jewels: A few seconds after polishing the family jewels, Flava looked like a man walking across hot coals with a splinter in the bottom of his foot. Grabbing a fire extinguisher and spraying down the nether region with a generous coating of foam caused the tingling sensations to dissipate but increased the level of numbness threefold.

Conclusion: Tingle Gele' smells bad, tastes worse, and feels twice as bad as it smells or tastes.

And those guys on the commercial look so happy to be gellin'...Much like a good drug, if someone asks you if you are gellin', just say no.

Flavometer Scorecard:
Originality: 17
Practicality: 18
Seductivity: 15
Digestivity: 9

Overall Score: 59

Flava's Guide to the Opposite Sex

It's come to Flava's attention that perhaps some of you haven't mastered the art of picking up the opposite sex. This would severely limit your opportunity to use many of the products reviewed in this blog. In order to remedy this, the Knave has created a concise Guide to Pleasing the Opposite Sex...

How to Make a Woman Happy:

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to:
1. be a friend
2. be a companion
3. be a lover
4. be a brother
5. be a father
6. be a master
7. be a chef
8. be an electrician
9. be a carpenter
10. be a plumber
11. be a mechanic
12. be a decorator
13. be a stylist
14. be a sexologist
15. be a gynecologist
16. be a psychologist
17. be a pest exterminator
18. be a psychiatrist
19. be a healer
20. be a good listener
21. be an organizer
22. be a good father
23. be very clean
24. be sympathetic
25. be athletic
26. be warm
27. be attentive
28. be gallant
29. be intelligent
30. be funny
31. be creative
32. be tender
33. be strong
34. be understanding
35. be tolerant
36. be prudent
37. be ambitious
38. be capable
39. be courageous
40. be determined
41. be true
42. be dependable
43. be passionate
44. be compassionate
45. be honest
46. be very rich
47. give her compliments regularly
48. pretend to love shopping
49. don't stress her out
50. don't look at other women
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
54. Never forget: birthdays, anniversaries, any arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food