Body Butter Strawberry Sundae

Certain things in life demand butter. A good grilled cheese sandwich, corn on the cob, a sticky wedding band on that trip to Vegas. Body Butter by Doc Johnson follows the motto of if a little of a good thing is good, a lot of it must be better. Enter Strawberry Sundae Body Butter.

Flava Knave entered the test lab a little scared of this one. With visions of Kramer as a well basted turkey running in his head, the thought of covering himself from head to toe in a gelantenous pink goo went from long time fantasy to some kind of twisted sexual Fear Factor. So armed with only a can of whipped cream and half a jar of expired Marachino cherries, the Knave basted himself with Body Butter and invited any willing parties to lick it off. Unfortunately the only thing Body Butter attracted were 3 houseflies, a Japanese Beetle, and a guy dressed in a sailor suit singing YMCA. Needless to say, Flava's asian fetish reared its head and only the beetle was given access to the taste test. It promptly started flying erratically and died 7 feet 8 inches away.

So what went wrong? Well first, a strawberry sundae is a subtle mix of flavors; the smooth and refreshing cream, the decadent fudge, the hint of nut, all things found in Flava's boxers on a normal day. The Body Butter, on the other hand, tasted more like the southern end of a north bound mule. And it smelled slightly worse. I wasn't aware that their was an artificial flavor that could so perfectly replicate the smell and taste of 3 day old vomit, but apparently there have been a series of breakthroughs in the field of flavoring that would have been best to remain undiscovered.

Flavometer Scorecard:
Originality: 21
Practicality: 17
Seductivity: 14
Digestivity: 9Publish

Overall Score: 61

Bosom Buddie Nipple Nectar

"I don't care what the say anymore this is my life,
Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone."
-Billy Joel

That's what Flava used to think of when he heard the term Bosom Buddie. Buffy, Hildegard, Tom Hanks cross-dressing: simple, wholesome thoughts. But that has all change after testing another fine Doc Johnson product- Bosom Buddie Cherry Vanilla Nipple Nectar scented massage oil. Quite a mouthful, both figuratively and literally.

So what makes Cherry Vanilla Nipple Nectar so special? Could it be the fruity bouquet from the fresh cherry juice? Or possibly the subtle, yet seductive flavor of vanilla extract? Actually that would be impossible as there is no cherry juice or vanilla extract in this nipple nectar. However there is a wide array of popular deep fryer oils that will arouse you and your spouse the same way a piping hot order of McDonald's fries does to a man with a cholesterol count in the high 200's.

Now Flava is a man who is pro oil. Whether it baby or sweet crude, Flava has found a bedroom appplication for oils far and wide. But never has the test lab seen such a amalgamation of oils far and wide specifically designed to make a mans face slide between a woman's breasts smoother than a hot knife through butter.

A secret recipe of Canola Oil, Safflower Oil, Sesame Oil, Sweet Almond Oil, Avocado Oil, & Grape Seed Oil, a touch of fragrance, and a little coloring result's in a Martha Stewart approved recipe for holiday nipple nectar.

This is the oil of choice on nights when something needs to be rubbed out.

Flavometer Scorecard:
Originality: 23
Practicality: 23
Seductivity: 20
Digestivity: 18

Overall Score: 84

Tingle Gele'

"Propel your pleasure to new plateaus!"

Do you enjoy having your sensitive areas tingly and numb? If so, Tingle Gele' from Flava's good friends at Doc Johnson is just the product for you. Packaged in an oversized Skoal tin, Tinger Gele' comes in a variety of fantastic fruit flavors including strawberry, cherry, & the ubiquitous passion fruit.

As any regular reader of this blog knows, Flava Knave put the F in Freaky, so it should come as no surprise that the opportunity to numb any or all sensitive areas on his body was seen as a slice of heaven on Earth. What good is having sensitive areas unless you have the freedom to spread a gelatanous pink goo on them?

So armed with only a tin of Tingle Gele' and a smile, Flava Knave descended upon the Flava Test Lab and begin Tingle Gelling his entire body from head to toe. Here are some of the sensitive area reviews:

Tongue: Well let's start with the taste. The best way to describe it would be to get a small container of Vicks Vapor Rub and a pint of strawberries. Next, throw both the Vicks and the strawberries into your favorite blender and pulse until you reach a fine puree. Dab a bit on your tongue and chase with your favorite champagne. The bubbly numb feeling on your tongue will be about 1/10 as bad as licking a glob of the real Tingle Gele'.

Eyes: Grab a firepoker, heat to 1000 degrees Fahrenheit, and gently poke into your own eye. Tingle Gele' feels much the same way minus the permanent blindness and smell of charred skin.

Nose: Flava had a bit of a stuffed nose prior to Tingling but now has completely cleared and fruity smelling nasal passages.

Jewels: A few seconds after polishing the family jewels, Flava looked like a man walking across hot coals with a splinter in the bottom of his foot. Grabbing a fire extinguisher and spraying down the nether region with a generous coating of foam caused the tingling sensations to dissipate but increased the level of numbness threefold.

Conclusion: Tingle Gele' smells bad, tastes worse, and feels twice as bad as it smells or tastes.

And those guys on the commercial look so happy to be gellin'...Much like a good drug, if someone asks you if you are gellin', just say no.

Flavometer Scorecard:
Originality: 17
Practicality: 18
Seductivity: 15
Digestivity: 9

Overall Score: 59

Flava's Guide to the Opposite Sex

It's come to Flava's attention that perhaps some of you haven't mastered the art of picking up the opposite sex. This would severely limit your opportunity to use many of the products reviewed in this blog. In order to remedy this, the Knave has created a concise Guide to Pleasing the Opposite Sex...

How to Make a Woman Happy:

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to:
1. be a friend
2. be a companion
3. be a lover
4. be a brother
5. be a father
6. be a master
7. be a chef
8. be an electrician
9. be a carpenter
10. be a plumber
11. be a mechanic
12. be a decorator
13. be a stylist
14. be a sexologist
15. be a gynecologist
16. be a psychologist
17. be a pest exterminator
18. be a psychiatrist
19. be a healer
20. be a good listener
21. be an organizer
22. be a good father
23. be very clean
24. be sympathetic
25. be athletic
26. be warm
27. be attentive
28. be gallant
29. be intelligent
30. be funny
31. be creative
32. be tender
33. be strong
34. be understanding
35. be tolerant
36. be prudent
37. be ambitious
38. be capable
39. be courageous
40. be determined
41. be true
42. be dependable
43. be passionate
44. be compassionate
45. be honest
46. be very rich
47. give her compliments regularly
48. pretend to love shopping
49. don't stress her out
50. don't look at other women
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
54. Never forget: birthdays, anniversaries, any arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

Body Shots Night Cap Edition

Ah the night cap...Ever since there has been men, women, & alcohol, the night cap has been the holy trinity of boot knocking. If a woman agrees to come up for the night cap, or in the case of Flava asks you to come up for the nightcap, it's time to take personal inventory.
Binaca Blast, check.
Condom, check.
Good Excuse to not spend the night, check.

But up until now, combining the pleasing effects of alcohol and a good massage has been something that has been lacking in the hook up world. Trust Flava on this one, there are some places you just don't want to rub grain alcohol into. Thankfully those days are now over as Body Shots Night Caps are now available to the general public.

Topco has introduced a new line of hot massage oils flavored like some of your favorite mixed drinks, or at least your grandmother's favorite mixed drinks. This 4 pack of liquid gold comes in Cosmopolitan, Mudslide, Creme de Menthe, & Coffee Amaretto flavors. Blowing on these oils will warm them up, just one more reason to experiment with that DUI Checkpoint Officer and Inebriated Catholic School Girl role play we have all dreamed about.

About the only downside to these Body Shots Night Cap Massage Oils are a few of the flavors included. About the only time Flava has been covered from head to toe in a Mudslide involved waking up after passing out from a chili dog eating contest chased down with some Mexican water. Unfortunately the mudslide flavor tastes and smells only slightly better. And has anyone who isn't a member of AARP ever drank Creme de Menthe?

Now if only they would make these in 40 ounce bottles, Flava would feel right at home....

Flavometer Scorecard:
Originality: 24
Practicality: 24
Seductivity: 21
Digestivity: 18

Overall Score: 87

Sinful Desire Dream Creme

If you are like me, you have often stayed awake in bed late at night, staring at the ceiling tiles ala Brian Wilson, wondering what it would be like if you cover your body from head to toe with liquid cotton candy. Well my friends, our prayers have been answered by the good people at Doc Johnson with the introductions of Sinful Desires Dream Creme. This cotton candy confection is officially designated as Body Topping and has been used by horny Ringling Bros. clowns for well over a decade.

The first thing that strikes you is the beautiful packaging. Sealed in a convenient container that could be mistaken for Botox lotion or Shoe Polish, is a pink slime that smells exactly like cotton candy... If it were made fresh, dropped in a pile of elephant dung, eaten, regurgitated, and fished out of the vomit splattered toilet. Personally, I have a hard time believing this is artificially flavored as there is nothing artificial about something that tastes like a sugar sprinkled bung hole.

As bad as it tastes, it also leaves a unique film on your tongue that resembles a cross between Elmer's Glue and pigeon piss. Suffice it to say, I have had burrito induced belches that have had a better aftertaste than this not so dreamy cream.

But there are a few redeeming qualities to the Dream Creme:

1. A generous 4 oz. portion insures that you will be able to coat even the largest woman or man in your life. Nothing is more embarrassing than going hogging and not having enough body topping to obscure the parts you can't bear to see.

2. The container, once all the offending pink goo is removed, would make an excellent illicit stash holder.

3. Since it is dream creme and not cream it removes many social stigmas for the self indulgent. Here is a hypothetical example of a recent Flava phone call:

Fantasia: Hey Flava, what's going on?

Flava: Hey baby, what's shaking?

Fantasia: I was just wondering if you were free for some lovin' tonight.

Flava: Sure honey. I just cremed myself thinking of you.

Obviously if this were a cream Flava would probably have spent the night alone.

Flavometer Scorecard:
Originality: 21
Practicality: 21
Seductivity: 19
Digestivity: 12

Overall Score: 73

WET Fun Flavors Lube

Let's face it, some people are just naturally sticky. Unlike their well oiled brethren, sticky people face a dilemna in the bedroom. Nothing ruins the mood like a man who's private parts are stuck to something that isn't his. Luckily there is now hope for sticky people everywhere, and that help comes in the form of WET Fun Flavors Lube.

"Keep your senses stimulated and erotic pleasure enhanced with the incomparable Wet flavored lube assortment pack, which includes super fruity cherry, kiwi-strawberry, tropical fruit, piña colada, orange, pineapple, passion fruit, and cinnamon."

Now if there is anything Flava Knave likes better than being well lubed, its being stimulated by a varitible cornucopia of fruit flavors. But first, we need to take a few precautions as stated on the Wet Fun Flavors Lube packaging.

1. Keep out of eyes - No problem. I have always found that wearing safety goggles to bed only enhances the look of my naked body.

2. Control Room Temperature (50-86 F)- Luckily Flava Knave lives in a temperate zone so this isn't an issue. However you don't want to use this product in either an igloo or Equadorian bordello which is a real shame as I have found that both Inuit and South American prostitutes to be extremely passionate people.

3. Protect from sunlight - This may be discrimination against albinos and vampires but the world isn't a perfect place. I would also suggest turning out the lights if your bedroom contains bulbs over 75 watts.

4. May stain some fabrics - Actually a good plug for everyone to get a pair of rubber sheets just like Flava Knave.

So naked & armed with only a pair safety goggles, in a dark 60 degree room, Flava Knave tested out the Kiwi-Strawberry Flavored Wet Lube. Bouncing off the rubber sheets a few times, Flava Knave felt slicker than a greased pig who rolled in a field of freshly fertilized strawberries while eating a kiwi. Overcome in the throes of passion, Flava Knave's woman paraphrased Robert Palmer,

He's a natural law, and he leaves me in awe
He deserves the applause, I surrender because
He used to look good to me, but now I find him
Simply Irresistible

Flavometer Scorecard:
Originality: 20
Practicality: 24
Seductivity: 23
Digestivity: 23

Overall Score: 90

Spanish Fly Oil (Sex Drops)

"One drop of these legendary 1-ounce love potions will drive any desired lover wild! Available in several flavors that will make anyone horny."

Flava Knave is going to slay the ladies tonight! I just squirted about 40 drops into my mouth and now the guy who sits next to me just winked at me...and he's married. So is it a myth or is there some truth to the legend of Spanish Fly Oil? A little help from Wikipedia...

The Spanish fly is an emerald-green beetle in the family Meloidae, Lytta vesicatoria.^[1][2] It is 15 mm to 22 mm long and 5 mm to 8 mm wide, and lives on plants in the families Caprifoliaceae and Oleaceae. The beetle contains up to 5% cantharidin which irritates animal tissues. The crushed powder of Spanish fly is of yellowish brown to brown-olive color with iridescent reflections, of disagreeable scent and bitter flavor.

Spanish fly, or cantharides as it is sometimes called, is often given to farm animals to incite them to mating.^[3] The cantharides excreted in the urine irritate the urethral passages, causing inflammation in the genitals and subsequent priapism. For this reason, Spanish fly has been given to humans for purposes of seduction. It is dangerous since the amount required is minuscule and the difference between the effective dose and the harmful dose is quite narrow. Cantharides cause painful urination, fever, and sometimes bloody discharge. They can cause permanent damage to the kidneys and genitals.

I wonder if 40 drops instead of one will have breeched the line between effective dose and harmful dose? Is it getting hot in here or is just me?

The product tastes a lot like coffee with a lot of sugar. Easy to sneak a drop (or 40) while the woman is in the bathroom too. I will be sending out some incredibly potent test subjects into the Friday Happy Hour scene to test the power of Spanish Fly. So if you find yourself irrestibly drawn to a stranger tonight, ask him or her if she is on the bug juice.

Flavometer Scorecard:
Originality: 19
Practicality: 25
Seductivity: Pending
Digestivity: 25

Overall Score: 69* (*plus amount of hook ups tonight to be reported Monday)

+Note: According to the ingredient list there is no Cantharidin in the Spanish Fly Oil.

Men's Candy Posing Pouch aka G-String

Nothing says love quite like a man with a candy cup. The Lovers Candy Posing Pouch is a must have for any man looking to set the mood by having his woman laughing uncontrollably at how dumb he can look while naked. Luckily, one size fits most so everyone except Ron Jeremy can enjoy this g-string. The features of this product are too numerous to list, but let's highlight some of the best.

1. It's made up of 330 candy pieces. The candy is fairly bland tasting but does seem to have a hint of vanilla flavoring. More impressively, each piece has a shellac coating that give the entire ensamble a brilliant luster reminiscent of the stain you would use on your porch.


2. It's a mere 840 calories. Even if you are dating a supermodel, she has no excuse for not eating it off you.



3. As impressive as it looks from the front, it is even more handsome from the rear. Now what woman could resist you in a Candy G-string that highlights the shapely contours of your ass? Unfortunately this side effect of this is that about 50 of the candy pieces may have some additional flavors that are not all that seductive.

4. While the picture on the box makes it seem to be seemless, it is actually a series of candy rows that when worn have a tendency to spread apart a bit giving a hint at what lies beneathe. This means that a little manscaping should probably be done prior to wearing unless the idea of hairy candy appeals to your lover. This is a posing pouch so the less movement, the better for all involved.

5. Allergy Alert: The product is made by a Chinese candy manufacturer so the pouch may contain nuts.

Flavometer Scorecard:
Originality: 23
Practicality: 22
Seductivity: 18
Digestivity: 22

Overall Score: 85

The Flavor of Luv

Welcome to The Flavor of Luv Blog. You may think this blog has something to do with The Flavor of Love TV show, but you aren't that lucky. This blog is going to focus on the flavor of love products you use while seducing your partner. From the early days of edible underwear, the edible love products industry has expanded into a wide array of products and flavors and someone needs to review these love products the same way one would review restaurants or movies. And that someone is me, Flava Knave.

Join me as I explore the culinary delights that await you in the bedroom. From flavored massage oils, sex lubes, body lotions and pastes, candy g-strings, my tongue will be your guide to the flavors of love you can trust and enjoy without getting sick on your partner or having your tongue turn green for week.

The first order of business is to give a Flava Knave shout out to http://www.spencersonline.com for their help in acquiring the first batch of flavored love stuff. Spencer's is kind of like the Flavor of Luv Supermarket, and they have kindly donated a rather large sample of love stuff products for review. So if your mate won't let you bring cookies to bed, I suggest you stop by your local Spencer's or check out their website and grab yourself a few goodies.

As for the rating system, or Flavometer, it will consist of the following method:

Originality - up to 25 points
This rates the originality of the product. Whether it is a new item or a new flavor, originality is always appreciated in the bedroom.

Practicality - up to 25 points
This rates the ease of use and ability to use the product without disasterous side effects such as sticking to your sheets, or worse, being stuck to, or in, your partner.

Seductivity - up to 25 points
Any good Flavor of Luv product has to embody a certain seductive power. If your partner laughs at your suggestion about using a product, or at you when wearing the product, is a sure sign of low seductivity.

Digestivity - up to 25 points
This include not only the taste of the product, but how closely it resembles the flavor it purports to taste like as well as how it behave once ingested. You don't want products that create gas emissions that smell worse than the product itself.

This results in a possible perfect score of 100. Products that score 80+ will get the coveted Flavor Knave Tongue of Approval.