Body Shots Night Cap Edition

Ah the night cap...Ever since there has been men, women, & alcohol, the night cap has been the holy trinity of boot knocking. If a woman agrees to come up for the night cap, or in the case of Flava asks you to come up for the nightcap, it's time to take personal inventory.
Binaca Blast, check.
Condom, check.
Good Excuse to not spend the night, check.

But up until now, combining the pleasing effects of alcohol and a good massage has been something that has been lacking in the hook up world. Trust Flava on this one, there are some places you just don't want to rub grain alcohol into. Thankfully those days are now over as Body Shots Night Caps are now available to the general public.

Topco has introduced a new line of hot massage oils flavored like some of your favorite mixed drinks, or at least your grandmother's favorite mixed drinks. This 4 pack of liquid gold comes in Cosmopolitan, Mudslide, Creme de Menthe, & Coffee Amaretto flavors. Blowing on these oils will warm them up, just one more reason to experiment with that DUI Checkpoint Officer and Inebriated Catholic School Girl role play we have all dreamed about.

About the only downside to these Body Shots Night Cap Massage Oils are a few of the flavors included. About the only time Flava has been covered from head to toe in a Mudslide involved waking up after passing out from a chili dog eating contest chased down with some Mexican water. Unfortunately the mudslide flavor tastes and smells only slightly better. And has anyone who isn't a member of AARP ever drank Creme de Menthe?

Now if only they would make these in 40 ounce bottles, Flava would feel right at home....

Flavometer Scorecard:
Originality: 24
Practicality: 24
Seductivity: 21
Digestivity: 18

Overall Score: 87

Sinful Desire Dream Creme

If you are like me, you have often stayed awake in bed late at night, staring at the ceiling tiles ala Brian Wilson, wondering what it would be like if you cover your body from head to toe with liquid cotton candy. Well my friends, our prayers have been answered by the good people at Doc Johnson with the introductions of Sinful Desires Dream Creme. This cotton candy confection is officially designated as Body Topping and has been used by horny Ringling Bros. clowns for well over a decade.

The first thing that strikes you is the beautiful packaging. Sealed in a convenient container that could be mistaken for Botox lotion or Shoe Polish, is a pink slime that smells exactly like cotton candy... If it were made fresh, dropped in a pile of elephant dung, eaten, regurgitated, and fished out of the vomit splattered toilet. Personally, I have a hard time believing this is artificially flavored as there is nothing artificial about something that tastes like a sugar sprinkled bung hole.

As bad as it tastes, it also leaves a unique film on your tongue that resembles a cross between Elmer's Glue and pigeon piss. Suffice it to say, I have had burrito induced belches that have had a better aftertaste than this not so dreamy cream.

But there are a few redeeming qualities to the Dream Creme:

1. A generous 4 oz. portion insures that you will be able to coat even the largest woman or man in your life. Nothing is more embarrassing than going hogging and not having enough body topping to obscure the parts you can't bear to see.

2. The container, once all the offending pink goo is removed, would make an excellent illicit stash holder.

3. Since it is dream creme and not cream it removes many social stigmas for the self indulgent. Here is a hypothetical example of a recent Flava phone call:

Fantasia: Hey Flava, what's going on?

Flava: Hey baby, what's shaking?

Fantasia: I was just wondering if you were free for some lovin' tonight.

Flava: Sure honey. I just cremed myself thinking of you.

Obviously if this were a cream Flava would probably have spent the night alone.

Flavometer Scorecard:
Originality: 21
Practicality: 21
Seductivity: 19
Digestivity: 12

Overall Score: 73

WET Fun Flavors Lube

Let's face it, some people are just naturally sticky. Unlike their well oiled brethren, sticky people face a dilemna in the bedroom. Nothing ruins the mood like a man who's private parts are stuck to something that isn't his. Luckily there is now hope for sticky people everywhere, and that help comes in the form of WET Fun Flavors Lube.

"Keep your senses stimulated and erotic pleasure enhanced with the incomparable Wet flavored lube assortment pack, which includes super fruity cherry, kiwi-strawberry, tropical fruit, piña colada, orange, pineapple, passion fruit, and cinnamon."

Now if there is anything Flava Knave likes better than being well lubed, its being stimulated by a varitible cornucopia of fruit flavors. But first, we need to take a few precautions as stated on the Wet Fun Flavors Lube packaging.

1. Keep out of eyes - No problem. I have always found that wearing safety goggles to bed only enhances the look of my naked body.

2. Control Room Temperature (50-86 F)- Luckily Flava Knave lives in a temperate zone so this isn't an issue. However you don't want to use this product in either an igloo or Equadorian bordello which is a real shame as I have found that both Inuit and South American prostitutes to be extremely passionate people.

3. Protect from sunlight - This may be discrimination against albinos and vampires but the world isn't a perfect place. I would also suggest turning out the lights if your bedroom contains bulbs over 75 watts.

4. May stain some fabrics - Actually a good plug for everyone to get a pair of rubber sheets just like Flava Knave.

So naked & armed with only a pair safety goggles, in a dark 60 degree room, Flava Knave tested out the Kiwi-Strawberry Flavored Wet Lube. Bouncing off the rubber sheets a few times, Flava Knave felt slicker than a greased pig who rolled in a field of freshly fertilized strawberries while eating a kiwi. Overcome in the throes of passion, Flava Knave's woman paraphrased Robert Palmer,

He's a natural law, and he leaves me in awe
He deserves the applause, I surrender because
He used to look good to me, but now I find him
Simply Irresistible

Flavometer Scorecard:
Originality: 20
Practicality: 24
Seductivity: 23
Digestivity: 23

Overall Score: 90

Spanish Fly Oil (Sex Drops)

"One drop of these legendary 1-ounce love potions will drive any desired lover wild! Available in several flavors that will make anyone horny."

Flava Knave is going to slay the ladies tonight! I just squirted about 40 drops into my mouth and now the guy who sits next to me just winked at me...and he's married. So is it a myth or is there some truth to the legend of Spanish Fly Oil? A little help from Wikipedia...

The Spanish fly is an emerald-green beetle in the family Meloidae, Lytta vesicatoria.^[1][2] It is 15 mm to 22 mm long and 5 mm to 8 mm wide, and lives on plants in the families Caprifoliaceae and Oleaceae. The beetle contains up to 5% cantharidin which irritates animal tissues. The crushed powder of Spanish fly is of yellowish brown to brown-olive color with iridescent reflections, of disagreeable scent and bitter flavor.

Spanish fly, or cantharides as it is sometimes called, is often given to farm animals to incite them to mating.^[3] The cantharides excreted in the urine irritate the urethral passages, causing inflammation in the genitals and subsequent priapism. For this reason, Spanish fly has been given to humans for purposes of seduction. It is dangerous since the amount required is minuscule and the difference between the effective dose and the harmful dose is quite narrow. Cantharides cause painful urination, fever, and sometimes bloody discharge. They can cause permanent damage to the kidneys and genitals.

I wonder if 40 drops instead of one will have breeched the line between effective dose and harmful dose? Is it getting hot in here or is just me?

The product tastes a lot like coffee with a lot of sugar. Easy to sneak a drop (or 40) while the woman is in the bathroom too. I will be sending out some incredibly potent test subjects into the Friday Happy Hour scene to test the power of Spanish Fly. So if you find yourself irrestibly drawn to a stranger tonight, ask him or her if she is on the bug juice.

Flavometer Scorecard:
Originality: 19
Practicality: 25
Seductivity: Pending
Digestivity: 25

Overall Score: 69* (*plus amount of hook ups tonight to be reported Monday)

+Note: According to the ingredient list there is no Cantharidin in the Spanish Fly Oil.

Men's Candy Posing Pouch aka G-String

Nothing says love quite like a man with a candy cup. The Lovers Candy Posing Pouch is a must have for any man looking to set the mood by having his woman laughing uncontrollably at how dumb he can look while naked. Luckily, one size fits most so everyone except Ron Jeremy can enjoy this g-string. The features of this product are too numerous to list, but let's highlight some of the best.

1. It's made up of 330 candy pieces. The candy is fairly bland tasting but does seem to have a hint of vanilla flavoring. More impressively, each piece has a shellac coating that give the entire ensamble a brilliant luster reminiscent of the stain you would use on your porch.


2. It's a mere 840 calories. Even if you are dating a supermodel, she has no excuse for not eating it off you.



3. As impressive as it looks from the front, it is even more handsome from the rear. Now what woman could resist you in a Candy G-string that highlights the shapely contours of your ass? Unfortunately this side effect of this is that about 50 of the candy pieces may have some additional flavors that are not all that seductive.

4. While the picture on the box makes it seem to be seemless, it is actually a series of candy rows that when worn have a tendency to spread apart a bit giving a hint at what lies beneathe. This means that a little manscaping should probably be done prior to wearing unless the idea of hairy candy appeals to your lover. This is a posing pouch so the less movement, the better for all involved.

5. Allergy Alert: The product is made by a Chinese candy manufacturer so the pouch may contain nuts.

Flavometer Scorecard:
Originality: 23
Practicality: 22
Seductivity: 18
Digestivity: 22

Overall Score: 85

The Flavor of Luv

Welcome to The Flavor of Luv Blog. You may think this blog has something to do with The Flavor of Love TV show, but you aren't that lucky. This blog is going to focus on the flavor of love products you use while seducing your partner. From the early days of edible underwear, the edible love products industry has expanded into a wide array of products and flavors and someone needs to review these love products the same way one would review restaurants or movies. And that someone is me, Flava Knave.

Join me as I explore the culinary delights that await you in the bedroom. From flavored massage oils, sex lubes, body lotions and pastes, candy g-strings, my tongue will be your guide to the flavors of love you can trust and enjoy without getting sick on your partner or having your tongue turn green for week.

The first order of business is to give a Flava Knave shout out to http://www.spencersonline.com for their help in acquiring the first batch of flavored love stuff. Spencer's is kind of like the Flavor of Luv Supermarket, and they have kindly donated a rather large sample of love stuff products for review. So if your mate won't let you bring cookies to bed, I suggest you stop by your local Spencer's or check out their website and grab yourself a few goodies.

As for the rating system, or Flavometer, it will consist of the following method:

Originality - up to 25 points
This rates the originality of the product. Whether it is a new item or a new flavor, originality is always appreciated in the bedroom.

Practicality - up to 25 points
This rates the ease of use and ability to use the product without disasterous side effects such as sticking to your sheets, or worse, being stuck to, or in, your partner.

Seductivity - up to 25 points
Any good Flavor of Luv product has to embody a certain seductive power. If your partner laughs at your suggestion about using a product, or at you when wearing the product, is a sure sign of low seductivity.

Digestivity - up to 25 points
This include not only the taste of the product, but how closely it resembles the flavor it purports to taste like as well as how it behave once ingested. You don't want products that create gas emissions that smell worse than the product itself.

This results in a possible perfect score of 100. Products that score 80+ will get the coveted Flavor Knave Tongue of Approval.